Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The scariest day of my life: The Scavenger Hunt

What is the Scavenger Hunt? The Scavenger Hunt is a full day of the most ridiculous, asinine, and fun activities run by the Special Control Group (SPG for short). Did I also mention gross?

Four teams of four members compete to complete a list of activities that are worth so many points a piece. The team with the most points wins.

This definitely not the type of scavenger hunt you grew up knowing as a kid. Some of the activities surely could have made there way onto Jackass.

It all began at 9 am one fateful day in July. I had arrived in Boise, Idaho the night before. I didn't know anyone that would be a part of the Scavenger Hunt, so naturally, I was scared shitless.

I was on team Hamburger Time, which consisted of Tony, Weston, and Chris. Luke was our driver and camera man. Our competitors were Teams Eat from a Dumpster, Party America, and Lesbian Sideburns.

I had just met Chris the day before and it was my first time meeting the rest of the team the day of the event.  I was standing in for a veteran teammate who could not make this year.  The pressure was on, I had to step up, there were no excuses. Anyway, I came from Chicago, so I had to represent.

The first event was one of the most ridiculous obstacle courses I had ever seen. Were talking about jumping through saran wrap, wobbly homemade balance beams, walking with stilts, and

My first thoughts were ^%$@#!@%#$*&^?!?!?!?! I have to run that thing? Damn, we're screwed. Luckily, our team captain, Tony, was the lucky one. He was doused with slime, bird seed, flour, and wore the lovely fragrance of Eau de Fish. He literally had to wear two raw fish necklaces, and I'm not talking about fresh fish from the store. I'm talking about putrid, stinking, sitting out in the heat fish that were probably rotting from the inside out. I don't blame his poor stomach for not handling it, I would've puked too.

And so the fun began. We only had so much time between each mega team event. So we rushed to get as much of the list done as possible. Did I mention we lost the list after the first event and had to retrace our steps? Luckily we found it in the middle of the street. It had been run over a couple of times, but who cares? We got it back!

We skipped through a park holding hands. Picture four grown ass people skipping through the park. It was quite a site. We played air band inside a library. I'm surprised we didn't get kicked out. Weston drank a shot of chew spit, Chris was a human lawnmower and chewed off Weston's big toenail, and Tony ate dirt and licked a sidewalk. I had the boys eat pudding off my face. I inhaled some along the way and could smell the butterscotch pudding for a week.

The second mega team event sneaked up on us sooner than we thought. I was originally supposed to participate in the event, but after a few dirty looks for the SPG crew, Weston took my place. I still haven't thanked him enough.

The second event was "Question and Ouch." As you can imagine, the "ouch" portion of the event wasn't what I would call fun. One team took five kicks to the body from a professional kick boxer, another took five shots of hot sauce. Seeing Sunshine spew hot sauce all over the parking lot was a painful experience. I'm sure that stuff burned the hairs off his little chin chin.

What punishment did Weston have to endure?

He saved me from taking five paint balls to the back at close range. He had instant welts. I'm pretty sure he has permanent battle wounds. Talk about taking one for the team!

After that event, we rushed through more of the list. Tony beer bonged pickle juice, Weston drank his own pee, Chris got an SPG tattoo on his back and chugged a bottle of ranch. I ate cottage cheese out of Weston's armpit and took a raw hamburger meat bath in the Boise river. Axe deodorant isn't very yummy.

The third mega team event was an exquisite gourmet. The first course consisted of fish flakes and milk. That's right, the stuff you feed your little fishies at home. Second course was downing an entire can of heavy whipped cream. Who said you couldn't get high while you eat? And finally, the third, mostly absolutely grotesque course of them all: sourkraut, creamed corn, and Tabasco sauce.

The team captains were our feeders, we couldn't even use our own hands. First up to bat was Chris. He downed about half the fish flakes before he erupted in a cascade of ranch. I will never look at ranch the same way again. I stepped in, downed the fish flakes and whipped cream. I'm pretty sure that at one time or other it came out of my nose. Weston stepped in and downed the kraut. This was the most difficult portion of the event. Two teams didn't make it and a host joined in the vomiting fountain.

At this point, we're exhausted and don't have that many items left on the list. I drank beer out of a bum's belly button, Chris Teen Wolf style rode a car, Tony ate a bunch of crickets, and Weston drank his own pee. How Weston managed to keep that down is beyond me. He definitely earned MVP.

The last mega team event was quaffing. Quaffing consists of sliding a beer across a slick table and having a teammate catch it on the other side.

I have terrible hand-eye coordination and am extremely clumsy. This event was even scarier than the first one to me. I'm happy to say I didn't get hit in the face and I caught the beers. But we didn't quite follow the rules and our team was served with a shit sandwich. We lost. Team Party America blew us out of the water, but what do you expect from a team with a name like that? After all, there slogan is "Don't do drugs, without me."

Needless to say the Scavenger Hunt was by far the scariest and most fun time I've ever had in my life. I fell in love with Boise and met.....wait for it, wait for it.....a bunch of RAD people. I can't wait to go back. I never thought I'd do anything like this in my life and now I can't wait for the chance to do it again. SPG rocks!