You Should Have Put Your Ring Back On....

I'm out with some of my favorite ladies the other night. We're enjoying our Friday night at a local hole-in-the-wall bar. We were kickin' back a few beers and playing pool. This hot guy waves me over to the jukebox.


I instantly went into prowl mode. I was all excited at first. He was wearing a nice shirt and jeans, great shoes, and a killer smile. Needless to say, I was basically drooling over this fine specimen of manly meat. 


That's where it all goes straight to hell. This guy is so drunk that he's slurring his words with no pause in between. It was like he was speaking in cursive. He wasn't even competent enough to feed the money into the damn machine. I'm a tech-tard and technology hates me, but even I didn't have a problem with that. It took his bills on the first try. 


So I put his money into the machine and hope that's the last I'll be seeing of him. Wrong; I was dead wrong. He later comes to have a little friendly chat with me and my beautiful ladies. During his slobbering, drunken pickup attempt he admits to forgetting to put his wedding ring back on.

Back up a minute....huh?


This is when my friend Jacki comes up with a brilliant plan. From that point on, everything we said to him had the word "ring" in it. I mean, it was hilarious. I can't remember half the shit we said to him, but we ruined his night. 


We asked him where his wife was. He said she was at home. I told him he better go make sure because I wouldn't be. The icing on the cake was when he left not a full two minutes later.


He tried to cheat on his wife and we cock-blocked his lying ass.


I KNOW this makes me a bitch in so many guys eyes right now. And guess what? I don't care. I've been called that word a lot lately, and for things that are not bad. I get called a bitch for standing up for myself, cock-blocking a dog, and saying the things we know everyone else is thinking but are too afraid to say. If that makes me a bitch, then oh well.


All I have to say to him is; you should have put your ring back on that night.

Living, Loving, and Learning.

I had a hard time starting this blog, let alone giving it a title. I just don't understand what it is about the opposite sex that makes me lose my cool. That's exactly what happened in my last relationship and I'll be damned if I do it again.

We've all been through breakups. They suck. Period. Some people handle them better than others. Although my last breakup wasn't what I would call easy, I'd say that I handled it pretty well. I just walked away. I was fed up with the bullshit and knew I deserved more. Better. 

I put a lot of the blame on my ex for the things that went wrong, but I wasn't a fucking angel either. I let  him get away with murder and treat me poorly. I  let him. Keyword : I. 

I played a big part in our demise and after some reflection I see that now. 

I went from being a headstrong, confident woman to an insecure little girl. It was quite pathetic. As soon as things started going downhill, I'd doubt myself. I'd doubt what I was capable of and who I was. 

But why? Why did I do this to myself? More importantly, why did I stay with someone who made me feel like this?

I could answer that for you in a million ways. For starters, I didn't like being alone. I could spend time by myself, but I always loved knowing there was someone out there who cared about me and wanted to spend time with me. The problem is is that I wasn't ready to be involved. It's been over two years since I called off my wedding and walked out of my ex-fiance's life. I had slammed the door shut on a seven year relationship, the only real relationship I've had.

Don't get me wrong, I've dated quite a few men and have had my fair share of experiences, but the truth is that I didn't consider any of them as my boyfriends. Especially the last one, who made me feel like everyone in the world mattered but me.

I've been single for four plus months now and in that time I've learned a great deal about myself. I actually like myself now, which is something I couldn't say six months ago. I hated the person I had turned into.

Of course there are things in my life I wish were different and change, but I wouldn't change the person I've become. I've worked too fucking hard to get here. Some people think I'm bitter, but I wouldn't go that far. I've learned from my mistakes and don't wish to repeat them. I'd rather be by myself than settle for someone who's going to make me feel like I'm nothing. The person you love shouldn't do that, if they do, they're not meant for you.

Sometimes it's easier said than done. But if there's anything that I've learned it's to believe in yourself. I can be my own worst enemy, but each time I fuck up, I fail better. As long as I'm learning from my mistakes, I'm moving forward and I will never stop.

Love, Lust, and Everything In Between

I'm a lover, not a hater. When I fall in love, I fall hard. I don't necessarily see this as a weakness, but some people do and take full advantage of my feelings. My ex - who I shall name User - is a person that did just that; took advantage of me and used me.

I met my ex way back in high school. We were great friends then and when we started hanging out, we picked up right where we left off. The fireworks and passion between us was amazing. I had spent the night with him not that long ago and learned that it was there. But I quickly nipped that in the bud.

So here's the story. I fell for User....HARD. I fell in love with him in a matter of a few short months. What we had was amazing. We'd always make each other laugh, smile, and the time we spent together flew by. He wanted to see me everyday and I felt the same. When his car was repossessed and no one could help him, I did....without a second thought. I became his bitch. Taking him to and from work at all hours, shitty weather or not.

I had always been there for him. I loved him, and he told me he loved me too. But I look back on it now and realize they were only words. He never showed  me he loved me. So when he started treating me poorly, I did what any smart girl would do. I dumped him. It wasn't easy, but it had to be done. 

I've been in relationships in the past where I tolerated bad treatment. I'm 26 fucking years old, I'm not going to let people walk all over me. I may have walked away, but my heart didn't and that let User hurt me over and over again.

Instead of spending my birthday with me, he went out of town to spend it with another girl....friend. I managed to forgive him for that one, but I shouldn't have because it sent him the message :  Go ahead, fuck me over again. 

And he did when he started speaking to his ex fiancee who played mind games with him while screwing over her bf. No, this is not the plot of a soap opera; this is what I had allowed my life to become.

The last straw was when he took his ex fiancee to a family Halloween party. They went as a dead bride and groom. Ironic, huh? Well, in the end, she told him she wants a man with money who can take care of her, and that's not him. She also lost her bf. 

So after spending the LAST night we will ever spend together, I finally drop some balls and ask him: Why won't you be with me?

His reply: It doesn't feel right in his gut. He doesn't want a girl who's going to break up with him over "little shit" and then try to get back together with him.

I didn't break up with him over little shit. He didn't treat me right. He pushed and pulled me in every fucking direction he could. And I let him.

Of course, I snap. I don't feel right in his gut to be his gf but his dick doesn't seem to mind when I'm fucking it and getting it off. This quickly puts things into perspective for me.

I had overlooked his faults up until then, but once he told me that, my opinion of him changed in a heartbeat. He's a loser and a User. He's almost 28 years old, has zero ambition, and isn't doing anything to better his situation. He has taken everyone who has ever loved him or cared about him for granted and fucked them over....and I'm not just referring to the women in his life. A friend got him the job he has (in snow removal, but we haven't had snow) and the one day it did snow he was too hungover to go to work. What a way to make your friend look bad, dick.

I tell him what I think of him. I tell him he's a, and I quote, "fucking parasite" who only keeps people in his life until he no longer has a use for them. He's not looking for a gf or an "equal," he's looking for a bitch  who will put up with whatever shit he dishes out. 

If you follow my page, you know very well that's NOT me.

We decided to go our separate ways. And although I have lingering feelings for him, they're not good feelings. I told him to reevaluate his character and the decisions he's made that have led him up to this point. I told him to take control of his life because no one was going to give him shit. Some people bust their balls all of their fucking life and never achieve what they want and he expects to sit back and relax and have good shit come his way? Hah! I don't fucking think so.

I know I was a bitch when I said those things to him, but I'm done being playing nice. It needed to be said. He always tries to make everyone else look like the bad guy when it's him that's the problem.

I'm a firm believer in Karma. And I think he got his. His mom's car got repossessed this past weekend. I love his mom. She's an amazing woman who is deaf and works two jobs while he's working none and living at home, mooching off of her. I feel bad for his mom, but now he knows how I felt. Now he's her bitch.  He has to drive her around to both her jobs in an uninsured car with a busted windshield.

Oh, did I mention he's filing for bankruptcy? 

I'm dating again and have met so many great guys. I'm not going to bring any "baggage" into my next relationship nor am I going to think that "all men are the same" because in the few short months that I've been single again I learned that they're not.

We've all been hurt before by people we love and care about. We sometimes make the mistake of lumping everyone into the same category, but we're not all the same and neither is every relationship. So don't treat people as if they're all the same. You may stumble across someone amazing and not even know it because of your doubts from a past relationship. Don't punish others for your ex's mistakes. That's what User did with me and I suffered because of it.

Love and lust are amazing things and there is a fine line between love and hate. I don't hate User, but I hate what he did to me. I know to never make that mistake with him or anyone again. Although I'm still healing, I'm a stronger woman because of what I went through with him. I learned that what I had with him is NOT what I want. He was a good friend once, but he will not have the privilege of ever being my friend again because a good friend wouldn't have done what he did.

A New Year; A New Me.

2011 was full of ups and downs. I fell in and out of love, decided to go back to school, and found myself along the way. My life isn't exactly where I would like it to be now, but I'm doing everything I can to find what makes me happy.

I recently started a page called "Don't hate me because I have a sense of humor" on Facebook. Some of you might think I'm a dork, which technically I am. I started the page so I could promote my book, which I plan to e-publish in the next few months. I'm already over 11k followers in about 2 months. I love my page. I love that I can do whatever the hell I want on it. It's like medication. It keeps me from going insane in a world that has gone crazy.

I don't know what 2012 will bring. I'm sure hoping it's not the end of the world like everyone keeps saying. But even if that's the case I can look back on my life with a smile. I don't regret anything. Not. One. Thing. Sure I've fucked up and made my mistakes, but they have made me the bitch I am today. I'm not talking about a bitch in a negative way. I'm a bitch because I am completely in control of my life and I refuse to let others bring me down. God knows so many people have tried. Some have succeeded, but never again will they. I am who I am, and I don't give a flying shit who does or does not like me. I'm not going to put my happiness on the back burner for anyone. I'm not going to let anyone take me for granted. I'm stronger than that.

Whatever 2012 brings I look forward to it. And if the Mayans were right....bring it on!

The scariest day of my life: The Scavenger Hunt

What is the Scavenger Hunt? The Scavenger Hunt is a full day of the most ridiculous, asinine, and fun activities run by the Special Control Group (SPG for short). Did I also mention gross?

Four teams of four members compete to complete a list of activities that are worth so many points a piece. The team with the most points wins.

This definitely not the type of scavenger hunt you grew up knowing as a kid. Some of the activities surely could have made there way onto Jackass.

It all began at 9 am one fateful day in July. I had arrived in Boise, Idaho the night before. I didn't know anyone that would be a part of the Scavenger Hunt, so naturally, I was scared shitless.

I was on team Hamburger Time, which consisted of Tony, Weston, and Chris. Luke was our driver and camera man. Our competitors were Teams Eat from a Dumpster, Party America, and Lesbian Sideburns.

I had just met Chris the day before and it was my first time meeting the rest of the team the day of the event.  I was standing in for a veteran teammate who could not make this year.  The pressure was on, I had to step up, there were no excuses. Anyway, I came from Chicago, so I had to represent.

The first event was one of the most ridiculous obstacle courses I had ever seen. Were talking about jumping through saran wrap, wobbly homemade balance beams, walking with stilts, and

My first thoughts were ^%$@#!@%#$*&^?!?!?!?! I have to run that thing? Damn, we're screwed. Luckily, our team captain, Tony, was the lucky one. He was doused with slime, bird seed, flour, and wore the lovely fragrance of Eau de Fish. He literally had to wear two raw fish necklaces, and I'm not talking about fresh fish from the store. I'm talking about putrid, stinking, sitting out in the heat fish that were probably rotting from the inside out. I don't blame his poor stomach for not handling it, I would've puked too.

And so the fun began. We only had so much time between each mega team event. So we rushed to get as much of the list done as possible. Did I mention we lost the list after the first event and had to retrace our steps? Luckily we found it in the middle of the street. It had been run over a couple of times, but who cares? We got it back!

We skipped through a park holding hands. Picture four grown ass people skipping through the park. It was quite a site. We played air band inside a library. I'm surprised we didn't get kicked out. Weston drank a shot of chew spit, Chris was a human lawnmower and chewed off Weston's big toenail, and Tony ate dirt and licked a sidewalk. I had the boys eat pudding off my face. I inhaled some along the way and could smell the butterscotch pudding for a week.

The second mega team event sneaked up on us sooner than we thought. I was originally supposed to participate in the event, but after a few dirty looks for the SPG crew, Weston took my place. I still haven't thanked him enough.

The second event was "Question and Ouch." As you can imagine, the "ouch" portion of the event wasn't what I would call fun. One team took five kicks to the body from a professional kick boxer, another took five shots of hot sauce. Seeing Sunshine spew hot sauce all over the parking lot was a painful experience. I'm sure that stuff burned the hairs off his little chin chin.

What punishment did Weston have to endure?

He saved me from taking five paint balls to the back at close range. He had instant welts. I'm pretty sure he has permanent battle wounds. Talk about taking one for the team!

After that event, we rushed through more of the list. Tony beer bonged pickle juice, Weston drank his own pee, Chris got an SPG tattoo on his back and chugged a bottle of ranch. I ate cottage cheese out of Weston's armpit and took a raw hamburger meat bath in the Boise river. Axe deodorant isn't very yummy.

The third mega team event was an exquisite gourmet. The first course consisted of fish flakes and milk. That's right, the stuff you feed your little fishies at home. Second course was downing an entire can of heavy whipped cream. Who said you couldn't get high while you eat? And finally, the third, mostly absolutely grotesque course of them all: sourkraut, creamed corn, and Tabasco sauce.

The team captains were our feeders, we couldn't even use our own hands. First up to bat was Chris. He downed about half the fish flakes before he erupted in a cascade of ranch. I will never look at ranch the same way again. I stepped in, downed the fish flakes and whipped cream. I'm pretty sure that at one time or other it came out of my nose. Weston stepped in and downed the kraut. This was the most difficult portion of the event. Two teams didn't make it and a host joined in the vomiting fountain.

At this point, we're exhausted and don't have that many items left on the list. I drank beer out of a bum's belly button, Chris Teen Wolf style rode a car, Tony ate a bunch of crickets, and Weston drank his own pee. How Weston managed to keep that down is beyond me. He definitely earned MVP.

The last mega team event was quaffing. Quaffing consists of sliding a beer across a slick table and having a teammate catch it on the other side.

I have terrible hand-eye coordination and am extremely clumsy. This event was even scarier than the first one to me. I'm happy to say I didn't get hit in the face and I caught the beers. But we didn't quite follow the rules and our team was served with a shit sandwich. We lost. Team Party America blew us out of the water, but what do you expect from a team with a name like that? After all, there slogan is "Don't do drugs, without me."

Needless to say the Scavenger Hunt was by far the scariest and most fun time I've ever had in my life. I fell in love with Boise and met.....wait for it, wait for it.....a bunch of RAD people. I can't wait to go back. I never thought I'd do anything like this in my life and now I can't wait for the chance to do it again. SPG rocks!