Monday, January 9, 2012

Love, Lust, and Everything In Between

I'm a lover, not a hater. When I fall in love, I fall hard. I don't necessarily see this as a weakness, but some people do and take full advantage of my feelings. My ex - who I shall name User - is a person that did just that; took advantage of me and used me.

I met my ex way back in high school. We were great friends then and when we started hanging out, we picked up right where we left off. The fireworks and passion between us was amazing. I had spent the night with him not that long ago and learned that it was there. But I quickly nipped that in the bud.

So here's the story. I fell for User....HARD. I fell in love with him in a matter of a few short months. What we had was amazing. We'd always make each other laugh, smile, and the time we spent together flew by. He wanted to see me everyday and I felt the same. When his car was repossessed and no one could help him, I did....without a second thought. I became his bitch. Taking him to and from work at all hours, shitty weather or not.

I had always been there for him. I loved him, and he told me he loved me too. But I look back on it now and realize they were only words. He never showed  me he loved me. So when he started treating me poorly, I did what any smart girl would do. I dumped him. It wasn't easy, but it had to be done. 

I've been in relationships in the past where I tolerated bad treatment. I'm 26 fucking years old, I'm not going to let people walk all over me. I may have walked away, but my heart didn't and that let User hurt me over and over again.

Instead of spending my birthday with me, he went out of town to spend it with another girl....friend. I managed to forgive him for that one, but I shouldn't have because it sent him the message :  Go ahead, fuck me over again. 

And he did when he started speaking to his ex fiancee who played mind games with him while screwing over her bf. No, this is not the plot of a soap opera; this is what I had allowed my life to become.

The last straw was when he took his ex fiancee to a family Halloween party. They went as a dead bride and groom. Ironic, huh? Well, in the end, she told him she wants a man with money who can take care of her, and that's not him. She also lost her bf. 

So after spending the LAST night we will ever spend together, I finally drop some balls and ask him: Why won't you be with me?

His reply: It doesn't feel right in his gut. He doesn't want a girl who's going to break up with him over "little shit" and then try to get back together with him.

I didn't break up with him over little shit. He didn't treat me right. He pushed and pulled me in every fucking direction he could. And I let him.

Of course, I snap. I don't feel right in his gut to be his gf but his dick doesn't seem to mind when I'm fucking it and getting it off. This quickly puts things into perspective for me.

I had overlooked his faults up until then, but once he told me that, my opinion of him changed in a heartbeat. He's a loser and a User. He's almost 28 years old, has zero ambition, and isn't doing anything to better his situation. He has taken everyone who has ever loved him or cared about him for granted and fucked them over....and I'm not just referring to the women in his life. A friend got him the job he has (in snow removal, but we haven't had snow) and the one day it did snow he was too hungover to go to work. What a way to make your friend look bad, dick.

I tell him what I think of him. I tell him he's a, and I quote, "fucking parasite" who only keeps people in his life until he no longer has a use for them. He's not looking for a gf or an "equal," he's looking for a bitch  who will put up with whatever shit he dishes out. 

If you follow my page, you know very well that's NOT me.

We decided to go our separate ways. And although I have lingering feelings for him, they're not good feelings. I told him to reevaluate his character and the decisions he's made that have led him up to this point. I told him to take control of his life because no one was going to give him shit. Some people bust their balls all of their fucking life and never achieve what they want and he expects to sit back and relax and have good shit come his way? Hah! I don't fucking think so.

I know I was a bitch when I said those things to him, but I'm done being playing nice. It needed to be said. He always tries to make everyone else look like the bad guy when it's him that's the problem.

I'm a firm believer in Karma. And I think he got his. His mom's car got repossessed this past weekend. I love his mom. She's an amazing woman who is deaf and works two jobs while he's working none and living at home, mooching off of her. I feel bad for his mom, but now he knows how I felt. Now he's her bitch.  He has to drive her around to both her jobs in an uninsured car with a busted windshield.

Oh, did I mention he's filing for bankruptcy? 

I'm dating again and have met so many great guys. I'm not going to bring any "baggage" into my next relationship nor am I going to think that "all men are the same" because in the few short months that I've been single again I learned that they're not.

We've all been hurt before by people we love and care about. We sometimes make the mistake of lumping everyone into the same category, but we're not all the same and neither is every relationship. So don't treat people as if they're all the same. You may stumble across someone amazing and not even know it because of your doubts from a past relationship. Don't punish others for your ex's mistakes. That's what User did with me and I suffered because of it.

Love and lust are amazing things and there is a fine line between love and hate. I don't hate User, but I hate what he did to me. I know to never make that mistake with him or anyone again. Although I'm still healing, I'm a stronger woman because of what I went through with him. I learned that what I had with him is NOT what I want. He was a good friend once, but he will not have the privilege of ever being my friend again because a good friend wouldn't have done what he did.

1 comment:

  1. Sometimes it's hard to see the forest through the trees (lust through the love or vice-versa) but it really does boil down to a few simple questions... Does his circle of close family and friends know about you? Does he include you in his life, good, bad and otherwise? Does he actually give a shit if he doesn't hear from you for a day or two?

    If the answer to any of these questions is no, then he is not the right guy... get out... and remember, when the right person enters your life, you will know immediately why all the others were wrong...

    With every good-bye, we learn...