Thursday, January 12, 2012

Living, Loving, and Learning.

I had a hard time starting this blog, let alone giving it a title. I just don't understand what it is about the opposite sex that makes me lose my cool. That's exactly what happened in my last relationship and I'll be damned if I do it again.

We've all been through breakups. They suck. Period. Some people handle them better than others. Although my last breakup wasn't what I would call easy, I'd say that I handled it pretty well. I just walked away. I was fed up with the bullshit and knew I deserved more. Better. 

I put a lot of the blame on my ex for the things that went wrong, but I wasn't a fucking angel either. I let  him get away with murder and treat me poorly. I  let him. Keyword : I. 

I played a big part in our demise and after some reflection I see that now. 

I went from being a headstrong, confident woman to an insecure little girl. It was quite pathetic. As soon as things started going downhill, I'd doubt myself. I'd doubt what I was capable of and who I was. 

But why? Why did I do this to myself? More importantly, why did I stay with someone who made me feel like this?

I could answer that for you in a million ways. For starters, I didn't like being alone. I could spend time by myself, but I always loved knowing there was someone out there who cared about me and wanted to spend time with me. The problem is is that I wasn't ready to be involved. It's been over two years since I called off my wedding and walked out of my ex-fiance's life. I had slammed the door shut on a seven year relationship, the only real relationship I've had.

Don't get me wrong, I've dated quite a few men and have had my fair share of experiences, but the truth is that I didn't consider any of them as my boyfriends. Especially the last one, who made me feel like everyone in the world mattered but me.

I've been single for four plus months now and in that time I've learned a great deal about myself. I actually like myself now, which is something I couldn't say six months ago. I hated the person I had turned into.

Of course there are things in my life I wish were different and change, but I wouldn't change the person I've become. I've worked too fucking hard to get here. Some people think I'm bitter, but I wouldn't go that far. I've learned from my mistakes and don't wish to repeat them. I'd rather be by myself than settle for someone who's going to make me feel like I'm nothing. The person you love shouldn't do that, if they do, they're not meant for you.

Sometimes it's easier said than done. But if there's anything that I've learned it's to believe in yourself. I can be my own worst enemy, but each time I fuck up, I fail better. As long as I'm learning from my mistakes, I'm moving forward and I will never stop.


  1. How did you let go?

    1. I haven't let go completely. I still love the guy, but he was taking away from my happiness instead of giving me more. Being single sucks, but staying with someone who hurts you is worse. There's better out there even if you don't think so at first....I promise. Surround yourself with your friends and have them remind you how awesome you are.

  2. I am going through the same thing. Be strong and keep thinking positive thoughts. At the end of the day, you're alive and kicking, you're far from physically ugly, and i'm assuming you do not have cancer, are disabled, and/or have hiv or some other disease. What are you feeling sorry about then? There are millions more fish in the sea and the is a reason youre breaking up!! You know it. Have a good one.